Found via LJ:
> Received this today:
>
> This is a newsletter that St. Mary’s church in Colorado Springs sent out
> this week. Evedently I and everyone I know is a goth and needs to be saved.
> Special props to the staff of St Mary’s for number 25. I had no idea. Also,
> thanks for bringing to light the fact that both Buddhism and Philosophy are
> two of the many “dangerous cult religions”.
>
> Also, I’d be really interested in how many of the 37 items apply to you. I
> got 27!
>
>
> If Your Child is a Gothic, Reform Through the Lord!
>
> Listed below are some warning signs to indicate if your child may have gone
> astray from the Lord. Gothic (or goth) is a very obscure and often dangerous
> culture that young teenagers are prone to participating in.
> The gothic culture leads young, susceptible minds into an imagined world of
> evil, darkness, and violence. Please seek immediate attention through
> counselling, prayer, and parental guidance to rid your child of Satan’s
> temptations if five or more of the following are applicable to your child:
>
> 1. Frequently wears black clothing.
> 2. Wears band and/or rock t-shirts.
> 3. Wears excessive black eye makeup, lipstick or nailpolish.
> 4. Wears any odd, silver jewelry or symbols. Some of these include: reversed
> crosses, pentagrams, pentacles, ankhs or various other Satanic worshipping
> symbols.
> 5. Shows an interest in piercings or tattoos.
> 6. Listens to gothic or any other anti-social genres of music. (Marilyn
> Manson claims to be the anti-Christ, and publicly speaks against the Lord.
> Please discard any such albums IMMEDIATELY.)
> 7. Associates with other people that dress, act or speak eccentrically.
> 8. Shows a declining interest in wholesome activities, such as: the Bible,
> prayer, church or sports.
> 9. Shows an increasing interest in death, vampires, magic, the occult,
> witchcraft or anything else that involves Satan.
> 10. Takes drugs.
> 11. Drinks alcohol.
> 12. Is suicidal and/or depressed.
> 13. Cuts, burns or partakes in any other method of self-mutilation. (This is
> a Satanic ritual that uses pain to detract from the light of God and His
> love. Please seek immediate attention for this at your local mental health
> center.)
> 14. Complains of boredom.
> 15. Sleeps too excessively or too little.
> 16. Is excessively awake during the night.
> 17. Dislikes sunlight or any other form of light. (This pertains to vampires
> promoting the idea that His light is of no use.)
> 18.Demands an unusual amount of privacy.
> 19-Spends large amounts of time alone.
> 20-Requests time alone and quietness. (This is so that your child may speak
> to evil sprits through
> meditation.)
> 21-Insists on spending time with friends while unaccompanied by an adult.
> 22-Disregards authority figures; teachers, priests, nuns and elders are but
> a few examples of this.
> 23-Misbehaves at school.
> 24-Misbehaves at home.
> 25-Eats goth-related foods. Count Dracula cereal is an example of this.
> 26-Drinks blood or expresses an interest in drinking blood. (Vampires
> believe this is how to attain Satan. This act is very
> dangerous and should be stopped immediately.)
> 27-Watches cable television or any other corrupted media sources. (Ask your
> local church for proper programs that your
> child may watch.)
> 28-Plays videos games that contains violence or are of a role-playing
> nature.
> 29-Uses the internet excessively and frequently makes time for the computer.
> 30-Makes Satanic symbols and/or violently shakes head to music.
> 31-Dances to music in a provocative or sexual manner.
> 32-Expresses an interest in sex.
> 33-Masturbates
> 34-Is homosexual and/or bisexual.
> 35-Pursues dangerous cult religions. Such include: Satanism, Scientology,
> Philosophy, Paganism, Wicca, Hinduism and Buddhism.
> 36-Wears pins, stickers or anything else that contains these various
> phrases: “I’m so gothic, I’m dead”, “woe is me”, “I’m a goth”.
> 37-Claims to be a goth.
>
> If five or more of these apply to your child, please intervene immediately.
> The gothic culture is dangerous and Satan thrives within it. If any of these
> problems persist, enlist your child into your local mental health center.
>
> ~St. Mary’s Catholic Church

I’m really struggling to come up with a witty comment, here. I know there are a million of ‘em — feel free to go wild in the comments section!

Me? Words fail.

Oh, and if this is an urban legend, I don’t want to know.